Again...

Again, I am back to being single. X and I are really really over. I mean REALLY. I don't think I would have friends if I took him back. He has done some pretty heinous things to me, but leaving me in another state really tops it all. Or maybe it doesn't top it all...just added to it. I always said that I really needed something to literally pull me away from him...and it finally happened. All I can say is Thank You God. I am happy that I feel Him moving in my life. I am a hardheaded individual. I really am and that is something that I really think I should work on.

Well, now it's time to once again regroup. But I think no I know this time will be different. I really feel and know that I am blocking some blessing because of X. I am still angry with him and more than hurt, but I know it will pass. I hope he just decides to stay mad at me.

Well, work was good coming off from a vacation. My coworker, Rick gave me a ride to work seeing as how I don't have a car right now...but that will change on Friday. Jeremy, my boss, thankfully did not come in and I hope he stays out for the rest of the week. LOL. It would be great.

Well, I am going to try to work on myself. Think positive and be strong...that's about all I can do.

More Later...

Usual

Well, X has decided to come back. I really don't know what it will take for him to just stay gone. But I am glad he is back. I don't know. Am I supposed to be strong and say no or am I supposed to have in my life but not let him consume me like he normally does? I don't know. It also looks like Destin is back on. I am excited about that, because I love love love Destin. And I love love love going with him. Just so confused about it all. All I am doing is praying and trying to remain a Christian in all that I do around him. I am not going to sacrifice going to church anymore. I am even going to go when we go to Destin. We will see if he decides to come.

Mom stayed home from work today. I brought her some jalapeno poppers and Whitney Houston's cd. My mom is just a character. I try not to get impatient with her, but I just do. You can't tell her anything. And I know this...she is my mom though.

Day 5

The day is coming the close and I have to say it wasn't too shabby. I got my ear plugs and I made taco soup. So, it wasn't too bad. I was going to turn X's clothes into the Goodwill and then mail him the tax forms but on my way there I decided not to. I have to go 60 days without ANY contact with him whatsoever. None. So I will do it in November. I am supposed to hook up with Evelyn tomorrow. I am kind of hoping she doesn't call and I can go by myself. But if she does call it's all good. I am going to the exhibit and maybe to the Grant Park Festival. Just so I can get out of the house. I am missing him of course, but it really is for the best. It really truly is. Well I may have more later...

Day 5

Today it is raining. I love it. Downpours are so calming. Well I didn't sleep well at all last night. Erin and Mom stay up soooo late. I HAVE to get ear plugs today or I won't be able to function. Have to. I also came up with some more reasons why I need to be happy with this decision. X isn't a good person right now. He never returned that money from Destin. Never did. He claims good things have been happening since he kept it and then tried to rationalize keeping it when we were going to come again. How can anything good happen when you are doing something wrong? His rationale is so wrong. All I am doing for him is praying that's all. On the off chance that he does call me, he will hear Kelly Clarkson's Already Gone. I will get through this. I will!

Let's see what the day brings!

Day 4

OK. I thought I was done for the night. I was sitting here crying and decided to analyze why I was crying. I mean for real. If I was with George right now all we would be doing it drinking, he would be farting, feeling me up, etc. Nothing special. Nothing that I should really miss. So why am I crying? Really? Yes, I miss him. But, Jamie...this is the right thing for you. It is. I need to be happy that Debbie knows we aren't coming. Because now I know I won't be getting a phone call from him. I know that. And I need to be happy. I asked God to watch out for me and that's exactly what He is doing. If I continue to sit here and cry and mope the devil is just going to come in. I am not saying that I won't allow myself weak moments. But they need to be just that moments. That's it. This is the best thing for me. It is. I know I will come out of it much better.

Day 4

Just basically stabbed myself in the heart. I got this crazy idea to set up this email address and email Debbie to see if X had canceled. Well, she emailed me back and told me it was available, so that's that. I know it's for the best...but GOODNESS it hurts sooooo bad. I wish I had the means to go somewhere next weekend. I really do. Maybe I can go stay in a hotel or something. I just need to be by a pool by myself or something. I just am so sad about this. I really am. I just really need to get through this point.

I took Erin to the Doctor. I think she had a good appt. The diet I wanted her to try wouldn't work for her. I am going to really try to stay on her about eating.

See I am about to cry now.

It hurts.

Day 4

Lost 4.4lbs! I have to keep it up. Plus I just am feeling better because of the exercise. I think it will start coming off more now because it's not my time of the month and plus I am determined to get back down into 130's! I can do it. On FB last night hooked up with some of the guys from Alpha at UGA. I couldn't believe it! Such a long time ago.

But of course, my very first thought this morning was of X. I know I know...I have to go through this and I am missing him so bad right now. I know I am just going through withdrawel, but man.

Well let's see what the day brings...