Usual

Well, X has decided to come back. I really don't know what it will take for him to just stay gone. But I am glad he is back. I don't know. Am I supposed to be strong and say no or am I supposed to have in my life but not let him consume me like he normally does? I don't know. It also looks like Destin is back on. I am excited about that, because I love love love Destin. And I love love love going with him. Just so confused about it all. All I am doing is praying and trying to remain a Christian in all that I do around him. I am not going to sacrifice going to church anymore. I am even going to go when we go to Destin. We will see if he decides to come.

Mom stayed home from work today. I brought her some jalapeno poppers and Whitney Houston's cd. My mom is just a character. I try not to get impatient with her, but I just do. You can't tell her anything. And I know this...she is my mom though.

Day 5

The day is coming the close and I have to say it wasn't too shabby. I got my ear plugs and I made taco soup. So, it wasn't too bad. I was going to turn X's clothes into the Goodwill and then mail him the tax forms but on my way there I decided not to. I have to go 60 days without ANY contact with him whatsoever. None. So I will do it in November. I am supposed to hook up with Evelyn tomorrow. I am kind of hoping she doesn't call and I can go by myself. But if she does call it's all good. I am going to the exhibit and maybe to the Grant Park Festival. Just so I can get out of the house. I am missing him of course, but it really is for the best. It really truly is. Well I may have more later...

Day 5

Today it is raining. I love it. Downpours are so calming. Well I didn't sleep well at all last night. Erin and Mom stay up soooo late. I HAVE to get ear plugs today or I won't be able to function. Have to. I also came up with some more reasons why I need to be happy with this decision. X isn't a good person right now. He never returned that money from Destin. Never did. He claims good things have been happening since he kept it and then tried to rationalize keeping it when we were going to come again. How can anything good happen when you are doing something wrong? His rationale is so wrong. All I am doing for him is praying that's all. On the off chance that he does call me, he will hear Kelly Clarkson's Already Gone. I will get through this. I will!

Let's see what the day brings!

Day 4

OK. I thought I was done for the night. I was sitting here crying and decided to analyze why I was crying. I mean for real. If I was with George right now all we would be doing it drinking, he would be farting, feeling me up, etc. Nothing special. Nothing that I should really miss. So why am I crying? Really? Yes, I miss him. But, Jamie...this is the right thing for you. It is. I need to be happy that Debbie knows we aren't coming. Because now I know I won't be getting a phone call from him. I know that. And I need to be happy. I asked God to watch out for me and that's exactly what He is doing. If I continue to sit here and cry and mope the devil is just going to come in. I am not saying that I won't allow myself weak moments. But they need to be just that moments. That's it. This is the best thing for me. It is. I know I will come out of it much better.

Day 4

Just basically stabbed myself in the heart. I got this crazy idea to set up this email address and email Debbie to see if X had canceled. Well, she emailed me back and told me it was available, so that's that. I know it's for the best...but GOODNESS it hurts sooooo bad. I wish I had the means to go somewhere next weekend. I really do. Maybe I can go stay in a hotel or something. I just need to be by a pool by myself or something. I just am so sad about this. I really am. I just really need to get through this point.

I took Erin to the Doctor. I think she had a good appt. The diet I wanted her to try wouldn't work for her. I am going to really try to stay on her about eating.

See I am about to cry now.

It hurts.

Day 4

Lost 4.4lbs! I have to keep it up. Plus I just am feeling better because of the exercise. I think it will start coming off more now because it's not my time of the month and plus I am determined to get back down into 130's! I can do it. On FB last night hooked up with some of the guys from Alpha at UGA. I couldn't believe it! Such a long time ago.

But of course, my very first thought this morning was of X. I know I know...I have to go through this and I am missing him so bad right now. I know I am just going through withdrawel, but man.

Well let's see what the day brings...

Affirmation

I release others from all blame that I assign them. They only play roles in my life that help me become more awake and aware of who I really am.

Day 3...

So sad right now. The urge to email him or call him is so strong right now. Man, I cannot wait until I am beyond this point. I really can't. I wonder if he is going to call me about Destin. Of course my brain is already rationalizing going with him. And if I am honest with myself, I would go. I mean it Destin! So I hope he doesn't call me at all about it. I really hope he doesn't. I don't think there is any hope for him and I. I really don't think he is good for me. He isn't.

Day 3...end

Today was so so. My emotions were really really high.. Got the cd, was going to go out with Kim, but I just can't right now. It's too hard. I am really missing him really bad. And that in and of itself makes me mad. I shouldn't be missing him. I really shouldn't be. But more tomorrow...

Day 3

Well, I got up this morning. Decided to go to Best Buy and get the Lalah Hathaway cd. Almost broke down in there. But left and got out before it hit. Got a call from a realtor today about his TH. Just gave him his number and name for her to call him without using me. So hopefully he will be able to work that for himself. Almost bought a break up book, but decided against because I know what I need to do. Just not talk to him. And time. That's all thats going to get me through this. More later I am sure...

Day 2...end

Well, I seemingly made it through the day. The nights are always the worst, but I will be ok. Today was good. I did my exercises, applied to jobs, read the Bible, and prayed. What I do everyday. So I can't complain too bad. The car people are calling and they made the rounds today. But what can I do? Hopefully a job will happen very soon. It's just all in God's hands now. I will just pray and pray for it. Tomorrow I am going to get Erin up at 10 and make sure she eats throughout the day. I am going to make my friends' recipe for Taco Soup so hopefully that will get her out and eating it. I am feeling a trip to Six Flags is in order. Will put a call out to the girls to see if they want to go. That's it for today.

Day 2 cont.

Half the day has gone by and I am doing ok. Talked to Kim this morning. She said I am doing the right thing. This thing with X is going to go no where. I just have to pray about and remain strong. I can do it. She told me to listen to Lalah Hathaway's on On your own. Great song. That's my new them song!

Day 2

I have started off the day in good spirits. X's email last night solidified how I should be feeling. Yes, I am a little sad and of course I miss him, but I know this is the right decision. The only way I will finally move on with my life is to keep him out of it. I just have to. He isn't right for me. So, I have to do it this time. I have to. Maybe the words I said have finally gotten through to him and he doesn't want me anymore either. I don't even care. So one day at a time. 30 days to get over a habit...60 days for it to be gone. Not so bad.

Almost thought I had to go to the DOL today. Luckily I don't. It was paid. So today is a day of exercise, reading, and eating right.

I can do this.

More later.

Thank You God

All I can say is Thank You. I know it's not going to be easy, but you always show me the way out.

Crying...

Yeah I am. I am done for the day. Going to hole up. Computer off. Phone off. Hurts too bad right now.

Reasons I Need To Remember When I Get Sad

1. Never wanted to go to church or put God thoroughly first.
2. Insulting
3. Impatient
4. Farted ALL the time
5. Annoying
6. Obsessive
7. Selfish
8. Mean
9. Liar
10. Controlling

REMEMBER ALL OF THIS!

I did it. George and I are officially over for the umpteenth time. He finally went too far and I went too far on purpose, because I want him to leave me alone. I am asking God to just let him stay gone. I have to move on. I just have to. I shouldn't have let him back in earlier this year. I mean it wasn't even a month before I just let him back in. I have to ignore him and just think about me. I just have to. So now I am exercising and praying for a job. Then my own place. I have to be the best single person I can be. I can do this.

This morning I heard a fabulous message at church. It really hit me. Of course, presently George is mad at me. Yesterday morning after sex, we decided to go to a movie. It started in about an hour. So I got up and turned the light on and was like we need to get up. He got upset and told me that I put him out of his relax mode and he didn't want to go. I said OK and proceeded to act like it didn't bother me. Because you know what? It didn't. I wasn't going to kiss his azz about it like I normally do. So he got dressed and I got dressed. And right before I left I asked him if he was still upset and in his normal fashion he said Bye...and I said OK, Have a good day. I then proceeded to go see the movie myself(VERY GOOD) and got something to eat and hung out at home. I texted and asked hiim if he was still upset. He said he wasn't my bitch and I had to slow my roll because he gets up every morning and I sleep all day. I didn't reply for awhile and he replies back and says f it don't reply. I replied and said I got up at a quarter to 10 to go to movie that starts in an hour and I basically get called a lazy bum twice today so no I don't have anything to say. He said that I think I am always the victim. I didn't reply. Today he sends me the contract for our trip to Destin and tells me I need pay it. So I said you know I can't do that and just go ahead and use the reservation yourself. Of course this is his way of making me feel like shit. He says I need to respect him and that I should be grateful and that I treat him mean. Seriously! Why I am with this dude. HE DOES NOTHING FOR ME! Nothing. I wouldnt' go on that Destin trip now for anything. Instead of replying like I wanted to I just said I apologize for making him feel that way and everyone wants to feel like their feelings are being heard and respected. No reply to that. I soooo want him to just fade to black. I really do. There will be no more emails, texts, or phone calls initiated by me. I don't even want to see him. I am beginning to not even like him. I really am. I am starting to realize more and more that my life goes so much more smoother when he isn't in it. Things are good and happen good for me when he isn't in my life. But when I am in his, things happen good for him. Huh. That can't be fair now can it.
On another note, my sister. My sister, Erin. There's nothing I want to say about that right now.

Inspiration

Inspiration from lil sis. I am going to update the blog more often. I do enjoy writing. Maybe I will come up with a grown version of my sisters, but a little less GLAM! LOL Gawd, I love Amanda Toney

Engaged 20 years old...

OK. I have been pretty good lately at not getting all emotional when a woman who is 7-10 years younger than me gets engaged...just like that! But now I have to vent just a little bit. ARGHHHAHHHGTHLKHIHEHK:FLHS:KLf!!!! OK. Why do I love a man who is turning 40 tommorrow! Why! Who has to do everything in his own time! It just makes me sooo mad. But ok.

Back to my longsuffering optimistic self...he will do it. Maybe he will be all romantic when I take him away for his Birthday and he proposes because that's all he wants for his birthday...me. YEAH RIGHT!!

Cracking up at that one.

Seriously

OK. I get it. I have the saying time and time again that to plan will have God laughing at you or something like that. I started this year off with this whole new mantra. I was going to FINALLY do my thing and get what I want out of life. Basically I had a plan. January started off kind of rough, but that's when I decided to put all the bullshit behind me and move forward. At then end of January, I got a new job, place to live, and a new phone number. The new phone number was to get away from the toxic relationship I had been in for 7 years. You know I am in love with a guy who is completely unavailable. So, I decided I had to take some drastic measures and let it go. So here comes February. Whoo Hoo! Lived it up.....for the first two weeks. Said Toxic Relationship(TR) entered my life again on none other than Valentines Day. Oh, he seriously pulled the whole Mr. Big thing and showed up at this party I attended and completely swept me off my feet again! So, ok. I regroup. I decide I am going to keep my wits about me with him and everything is going good. Then March comes around and guess what started fing up...the job. NEVER WORK FOR A BLACK WOMAN. And yes, I am a black woman and I apologize for past, present, and future employees of mine. To top it off I worked with people I affectionately called(remember I said "called") Thug Nation, Slow Azz, Dumb Azz, and Hookah Bitch. Needless to say that all ended in disaster in May. So here I am in June. Still with TS who just affectionately told me tonight to "Shut the F up", twice, which is why I am home now. I am officially a "victim of the economy". Or needless to say a victim of a control freak and ghetto azz job. So the moral of the story everyone. DON'T PLAN SHYT. Because it won't work out the way you expect it to. Now that's not to say I haven't had a fabulous time over the past few months. And in spite of it all I am still a pretty optimistic person. Hey, I have to be to still be with TS. LOL! Oh no, I don't want to use IM symbols...but it fits. So I guess this blog will be about my life and trials. Enjoy.